Tell: Maddie's boyfriend left her and broke her heart.
Show:
Maddie sits in a threadbare recliner - the one that, until this morning, used to sit next to the loveseat across the room. Now it sits by the bay window facing the abandoned street. The wind rushes and colored leaves whirl about wrapped in a pre-winter chill. Her knees are bent high to her chest, pinning her pear-green chenille throw to her body for comfort. She's thinking. While Maddie thinks, her big toe instinctively pokes out of a hole in the bottom left corner of the throw. It feels good; familiar. She watches her toe circle 'round and 'round, sortof like he used to twirl his fingers through her curls. She holds a tissue in her right hand, a half-empty glass of $9.99 Barefoot Chardonnay in her left. The bottle is on the kitchen counter with an oval "SALE" sticker on the front, slightly covering the cute little footprint logo, which annoys her. She brings the wine glass to her lips. She looks down now, through her swollen eyes, through the glass past the stem, to the cover of a book obtrusively perched on the wooden table next to her.
She rolls the glass left, then right, watching the letters of the title warp and sway:
"How to love yourself without him."
The "him" is in bold italics.
She reaches to the table, past the book.
Pulling the last tissue from the tissue box, the scraping sound echoes like teeth on a fork throughout the idle house.
Very long comment alert!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think this is gorgeous; I can almost feel the sadness coming off the words. You set up the scene really well before introducing Maddie’s heartbreak. Though I must be honest, I think you put too much detail into the story. There are several things you could nix from the story and still have it be solid piece that portrays Maddie’s broken heart.
The bit about the leaves could be taken out because it serves no purpose for the story. Sure it might set a certain mood you were going for but I think it can do well without it.
I think the sentence “She’s thinking.” could be taken out as well because in the next sentence you also mention that she’s thinking. I think it is a bit redundant. Maybe change the “while” to “as” for a better transition?
I just wanted to say that I love how you paired her toe circling the hole in the throw with the way he used to twirl his fingers through her curls. When you’re heartbroken even the smallest things can remind you of the other person and I think this part really shows that.
Was there a certain reason you put the price of the Chardonnay in there? If not, I think it’s just another detail that keeps your story from flowing. Also the sentence after that describing the bottle? Is there a reason for it?
Also I don’t think “The "him" is in bold italics.” should be there either because when you wrote the title you actually put it in bold italics. Also the title should be capitalized the way an actual book title would be. I almost missed the fact that it was the book title because of that.
“Maddie sits in a threadbare recliner - the one that, until this morning, used to sit next to the loveseat across the room. Now it sits by the bay window facing the abandoned street. Her knees are bent high to her chest, pinning her pear-green chenille throw to her body for comfort. As Maddie thinks, her big toe instinctively pokes out of a hole in the bottom left corner of the throw. It feels good; familiar. She watches her toe circle 'round and 'round, sort of like he used to twirl his fingers through her curls. She holds a tissue in her right hand, a half-empty glass of Barefoot Chardonnay in her left. She brings the wine glass to her lips. She looks down now, through her swollen eyes, through the glass past the stem, to the cover of a book obtrusively perched on the wooden table next to her.
She rolls the glass left, then right, watching the letters of the title warp and sway: "How to Love Yourself Without Him."
She reaches to the table, past the book, pulling the last tissue from the tissue box, the scraping sound echoes like teeth on a fork throughout the idle house.”
Kelsey,
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with everything you said - the rewrite works much better than the original. I am going to have to focus on limiting what doesn't need to be.
Thank you for taking the time to comment; this is very helpful! :)