Whilst revisiting an earlier post, "Junkyard Quote 1-2, Week 1", my mind drifted to a lyric/poem that has been lurking in its recesses. Below is my first attempt to expose it.
I told Suzie I loved her,
She said "Shut up!
Just lie here,
and hold my hand."
So,
we kept floating.
Floating in a sea of light.
Floating in a sea of light.
We looked to our left,
and saw several mute angels;
stupefied.
We imagined them singing:
"They are floating,
Floating in a sea of light,
They are floating in a sea of light."
When we finally stopped,
no longer fading,
I looked over to her,
and parted my lips.
She inserted a pill,
and said,
"Don't make promises you can't keep."
So,
we kept on floating.
Floating in a sea of light.
Floating in that glorious sea of light.
I like the first stanza for two reasons.
First, for the juxtaposition of the opening term "love" followed by
"shut up." Secondly, I like the use of short, monosyllabic words -
they punch the reader and tell them that this isn't going to be a typical love
poem and made me feel like I needed to shut up and hold on for the ride. Think
later, but for now just read.
"Floating in a sea of light" seems a little used. Perhaps you can expand on that more. Is the light colored? Does it have a temperature? What words can you use besides "float?" I like the idea but perhaps the reader can be given more specifics here to really feel this sea...
I like the line "Don't make promises you can't keep" and that stanza also has a good feel. Again, maybe you can think of a more specific way to describe "fading" as it seems a little abstract. At first I thought it was fading from the sexual afterglow, but then after the mention of the bill I am thinking that the ecstasy wore off or something... so I like the way I was almost "tricked" there. I also remember a similar situation I had many years ago. I stayed up all night talking to this guy and we were so involved in the moment that we gushed our life stories to each other and somehow admitted that we loved each other and that possibly we were each other's soul mates. After the "buzz" was gone we didn't even exchange numbers. Was it really just drugs making us feel that way, or were the drugs trying to tell us something we refused to give into once "real life" took hold again? Interesting thought to ponder...
This is my first response so I hope that a) it helps you and b) this is what we are supposed to be doing!
See you in class.
-April
"Floating in a sea of light" seems a little used. Perhaps you can expand on that more. Is the light colored? Does it have a temperature? What words can you use besides "float?" I like the idea but perhaps the reader can be given more specifics here to really feel this sea...
I like the line "Don't make promises you can't keep" and that stanza also has a good feel. Again, maybe you can think of a more specific way to describe "fading" as it seems a little abstract. At first I thought it was fading from the sexual afterglow, but then after the mention of the bill I am thinking that the ecstasy wore off or something... so I like the way I was almost "tricked" there. I also remember a similar situation I had many years ago. I stayed up all night talking to this guy and we were so involved in the moment that we gushed our life stories to each other and somehow admitted that we loved each other and that possibly we were each other's soul mates. After the "buzz" was gone we didn't even exchange numbers. Was it really just drugs making us feel that way, or were the drugs trying to tell us something we refused to give into once "real life" took hold again? Interesting thought to ponder...
This is my first response so I hope that a) it helps you and b) this is what we are supposed to be doing!
See you in class.
-April
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