Classmate Response 2, Week 2

This is in response to Daniel's entry which can be found in its entirety here.

Opening his mouth wide, he makes a sound like a tuba. {I picture his mouth like a tuba as well!}
With one hand he beats his chest twice to check for more gas. {I like that he beats his chest twice, its very specific and it makes me compare him to an animal in my mind. A filthy ape!}
He leans back in his booth, letting his feet slide out in front of him. {This is much better than the cliché of unbuttoning his pants or a belt. Love it!}
He eyes the five wrappers on his tray with a strange mixture of triumph and regret.

{So far I am drawn by your imagery. Very good.}


Funnily enough,{awkward beginning/word choice? } it doesn't look very different than it did about ten seconds ago. Clean glass looks the same as broken glass. {Interesting thought. I like it. } It's dark out; imagine the sky at night, then suddenly it's covered by white lines like a veins throughout a body.{Confusing and not much action here. Can you possibly talk about throwing a rock and it hitting the glass, or how you use whatever tool to break the glass? } Then little chunks of the sky fall to the ground. And if you look back at the spot your eyes were just fixed at, nothing seems to have changed.{I like this part too} That's what it looks like when you break into a store.{anti-climactic ending}

Everyone stopped talking as if someone had died. {I can imagine the hush falling over the room, good start. } The corners of about half the mouths in the room are climbing up their respective faces.{I like the imagery of the smiles climbing up faces } Everyone else's eyes are wide and bouncing around like billiard balls looking for the culprit. {“bouncing around like billiard balls” may be used elsewhere but I think it is fresh enough here. I like it anyway} Cam's eyes jump left and right. The corners of his mouth are trying not to cross the Red Sea of his cheeks {good! } too quickly. Finally, someone says something. "Seriously, who farted?"


I can see you have a knack for imagery; keep it up! Thanks for sharing!