From Instructions, by Neil Gaiman, which can be found here. Neil Gaiman is one of my favorite contemporary authors. I love the mysticism in this piece, so I'm Improving it in my own way...
Instructions
Go out from the house, child, taking 127 paces South.
If you don't know where South is, that's okay.
Just spin around until you are dizzy. Then turn right.
Shut your eyes tight and count to ten. Open them. You should see
a skinny dirt path you never noticed before. Take it.
If you see an old crooked man with saucer ears,
small, square teeth and an eye patch -
Don't look away. Instead, look into his one good eye
and smile.
He may just give you the gift of a well-told story.
Go past the barren tree that twists like a unicorn's horn
but remember, as you pass, to say a prayer.
Take a bowl and place it on your head
and take a towel too. You can wrap it around yourself
or sit on it and have a picnic, if you wish.
Pay the Great Blue Moose a visit and give him clam chowder
if you have any. Pass the farm with six red chickens
and ring the bell at the edge of the gate. If you see the farmer,
tip your bowl-hat and say "How do you do?"
When you come to the edge of the forest, stop.
Bend down and grab a fistfull of grass. Blow it out of your hand
and sing "Yasha'el Maelin Katurna!" and pick up a rock.
This will protect you from the wicked things that eat children.
Do not be afraid when it gets dark. Listen to the purple nightingale,
who sings for you alone. Step carefully along the path and
watch out for creatures littler than you. When you get tired,
call out for the thee-eyed squirrel. His name is Daniel.
He will let you sleep in his treehouse if you use kind words.
In the morning, you will find yourself in your bed, cuddled up
with your favorite pillow and blanket.
Things will look the same. But you will be different.
Under your pillow you will find your magic rock.
Carry it with you
always.
I enjoyed this piece because it gave me that Alice in Wonderland kind of feel. A child in a strange world that follows the directions of things/people they don't know just to end up sleeping, in this case, their bed. I admired that the instructions weren't always concrete on what the child was to do like "...and feed his clam chowder if you have any.." The "if you have any" made it seem as though even if you are being told what to do you are still given chances to decide what you want to do.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest being more specific, especially in places that you can have fun with the writing, like "the wicked things that eat children". What do they look like? How do they act? I would love to see how they are described. Very nice work!
Firstly, thanks for linking to that writing by Gaiman, he's an author I greatly enjoy--hadn't stumbled accross this piece yet, and I liked it a lot.
ReplyDeleteYour piece was very vivid, and was a breeze to read. I enjoyed some of the imagery, slightly absurd yet believable.
Some wording could use work, like "old crooked man." I can't think of a better phrasing right this instant, but old and crooked feel too overlapping, like one implies the other, although not completely.
One thing I could see changed would be the stanza about the grass and the wicked things--perhaps it should mirror the next stanza, about Daniel the squirrel, a bit more? You could give the wicked things a name, perhaps a smell.
Overall, it's a good draft, and with a few tweaks could be even greater! Thanks for sharing.