Classmate Response 2, Week 8

From Daniel's improv:

For this weeks improv. I decided to go back to another piece i was working on and redo another improv, only with different skills. Last time:

Coughing spurts of ink sustaining me.
Compositions, Pens light patchwork that covers the scars
always open. Wondering, do lights pierce
Translucent skin that's distant. Losing feeling
from these blood tipped pencils.
Writing will reconstruct me again. As it always has.

My update

Coughing spurts of ink sustaining me.
Parkers and Waterfords. Fallen trees covering these gashes
newly drained. Wondering, do writers pierce
their bodies when their ready. Spurting emotions
from these blood tipped pens.
Nature will reconstruct me. As the world already realizes

My response:

I remember this one! I have also attempted to start some rewrites and it is not an easy task, trying to figure out what to keep, what to trash, and what you really want to say the second (or third) time around, after the initial “burst” of writing has taken place. I really like the change to "parkers and waterfords"  - it is very specific. "Fallen trees covering these gashes newly drained" is also beautifully written, in my opinion. The meter is in tune with the tone of the piece. The question is a good one - "do writers pierce their bodies when their ready?" But I think you mean they're as opposed to their? Spurting emotions is much more rich both linguistically and visually, and the change from “writing” to “nature” as a healer is very smart. Nature is the healer, writing is the disease. :) "As the world already realizes" is a little clunky on the tongue. I liked the first ending line better "As it always has." So, if anything, I would keep the original or play with that last line a little bit. I think this is a wonderful example of how a poem can evolve in such a thoughtful way. I think professor Davidson is right, too, you wouldn't look at this and see that it is an improv of another piece - it has a life all its own.